i wish it wasn’t obvious how i was on the verge of crying at the coffee shop the other day.
the girl at the other table was looking at me the whole time.
i reckon she must have been wondering why i looked so miserable. haha.
but yah, as i told you, i will be fine.
even if my other self is violently screaming her protestations telling me,
wait what? who the hell is going to be fine? you lying little… (muffled voice)
but yeah, i will. i wish
my 26th birthday has been swell.
first sem in grad school, first set of special cases all together, first ever seriously complicated heart stuff, (gawd really complicated).
i wish i was the typical person who could bravely take on everything all at the same time,
but no i’m that lousy phlegmatic girl who takes in the intricacies of this universe in stride and feels all the inundating madness slowly in an excruciatingly slow and deferred manner.
i guess God made me that way, so i can perhaps sit down and write about life one day, like now.
i’m entitled to get hurt, you say.
i guess so.
don’t we all get hurt sometimes?
but this one’s different
it’s a gnawing kind of hurt that eats you up contemptuously,
and leaves you lying there in an open field beaten raw, almost out of life, flies all over.
for one i didn’t see it coming,
well, who does?
nothing has ever prepared me for it
and you know how i feel about being unprepared, i cringe even at the thought of it.
but yeah, i just went in,
no preps, no warm up, no harness,
i just said a little prayer and jumped,
and took a free fall,
yes, a freaking free fall. haha
but it was liberating that way–
being able to do something you could not imagine yourself doing ever in a million years,
even if you lived seventy times seven times over.
but guess what, it was a risk i never really regretted taking.
yeah, i actually don’t.
so now, if you do me your usual doctor’s check up that minute you find me flat on the open ground,
you’d see how my head’s cracked (twice) some brain spilling somewhere,
eyes open, staring at the sky, saying a name i’m not sure you’d ever hear again,
and obviously demented,
you’d say i’d be a goner and you can’t do anything about it, for all it’s worth
but if you check my heart, it would be full,
oh yes, it would be so full.
and that would still be tragically beautiful, right?
haha. i know. it’s crazy.
but this world is boring without crazy.
you’d realize that the moment you sit down in front of your computer doing a long and weary paper on how the policies of the government has evolved over time but you know deep in your gut that these things won’t really ever work because we’re a goddamned nation of cheats and crooks, and we never really learn, but yah, that’s beside the point.
what i’m just saying is, perhaps life is beautiful because of the magnitude of madness it entails a person to experience for her to be able to embrace life fully. 😁👌
and i guess you’re right.
i’m at the prime of life,
i should go out and scale the world the way i was meant to. 😊
and im not answering any questions after this,
because once i write stuff down, i forget them.
(although i will have to tell chi the most interesting story she’ll every hear in her entire life, soon. haha)
and you’ll only feel that tinge of wretchedness i harbor in my soul when you hear me sing my favorite melancholy songs in the most melancholic way i could ever do. 😜
well, what can i say, this one’s for the books!